


Chaos

by dreams_in_andalasia



Category: Captain America (Movies), James “Bucky” Barnes - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Damaged lead, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Language, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of alcoholism, Mutual Pining, Sexual Content, Slight Smut, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 17:55:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21285788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreams_in_andalasia/pseuds/dreams_in_andalasia
Summary: You and Bucky are involved in a friends with benefits situation. But when feelings start to creep in, you’re not quite sure if this situation is the best for you anymore.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James “Bucky” Barnes & Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> So I’ve been obsessed with the idea of writing a Bucky Barnes fic because he’s such a rich character that I feel I can draw so much from. 
> 
> For now this is a one-shot but please let me know if you are interested in seeing this as a multi-chapter since I have somehow started mapping it out if I do decide and get enough feedback for it so I would love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> Also if this does become a multi-chapter, SMUT will be in it! :)

“Happy Birthday Y/N.”

You look at the small box Bucky handed to you, unsure of how you would react. Your other hand tightening the grip on the blanket wrapped across your chest as he looked at you pensively. This was not normal post-coital procedure for you and Bucky.

Although you have been sleeping together the past few months, you had made sure to keep things casual. Bucky never shared too much about his past and you thought this was preferable because it didn’t require you to do so well.

Gifts were definitely a no-no. Sentiments were dangerous. Suddenly, you were worried. Was it only you who had been keeping the illusion of casual?

“How did you know?” your eyebrows furrow in confusion

“You mentioned it last time when you were drunk.”

You blush at the memory from two weeks ago when you had accidentally called him when you had too much to drink at the local bar.

“You didn't have to.”

“I wanted to.”

You stare at the box again. You hadn't received a gift in years and you already had forgotten what it felt like to be given one. Being an orphan since you were 17 and living alone half your life meant that there were no more reason for you to celebrate birthdays. You usually worked on that day anyway, rarely falling on a weekend like today.

“I'm happy you called me today. Might be for a totally different reason... but I’m here.” he gives you soft smile

You almost felt shitty. Tonight, you’re only goal was a good distraction that sometimes lingered on this day. Usually getting shit faced drunk was your solution, but since Bucky had come around, you were more than happy to use him to occupy your mind.

“I haven’t gotten a gift in years.” You reply softly

He gives you a confused look, “Weren’t you married? Your husband never gave you a gift?”

You fidget with the ribbon on the box. It was a pretty box and you almost laughed at the image of Bucky trying to wrap it himself.

“It.. it wasn’t a love marriage. I was a relief when he left me.”

He takes your hand in his. It felt... intimate. More than when he fucked you. Yet, you didn’t pull away and you let his hand linger on yours.

He already knew you had a shitty marriage. You didn’t have to say it, the way you refused to ever talk about it was already an indication. It’s also why he never asked. He wanted to know of course, but he understood about not pushing. He had numerous experiences he didn’t want to talk about either.

“I’m sorry for asking.” He whisper

“No, it’s okay.” It really was.

“Open it.” He urge with a soft smile

You do as your told and inside you find a silver necklace, with a snowflake pendant.

“It’s beautiful, Bucky.”

“It’s just... snow reminds me of you.” He explains, as if it was needed

You understood. Snow reminded you of him too. How he ended up in your small cafe during a particularly snowy day and he continued to come back everyday after.

How you had slipped at the back alley on black ice and thankfully the snow had caught your fall or else, the accident would have been much more terrible. He was there to carry you immediately inside the cafe to help you with your broken ankle, snow everywhere on his jacket.

How he first fucked you by the window sill of your apartment after he rushed to you on during a blizzard because he was worried after the cafe had been closed days before because you were wallowing/celebrating after your divorce finally went through. You hadn’t really been thinking straight and you jumped at him the moment you saw him on your doorstep.

God, you didn’t even realize how much Bucky was there for you and felt incredibly ashamed of how you treated him. A body to keep your bed.

Of course, you also considered him as a friend. Perhaps the only one and you were afraid how it had happened unconsciously. You didn’t like getting attached to people and the more you thought about it, maybe... Bucky was really more than just a friend to you.

Nervousness started to take over Bucky as your silence continued.

“Y/N?”

“I think... we should stop sleeping together.” You look away from him

His face fell, “I’m.. I’m sorry. I can take the gift back. I didn’t mean—“

You turn to him to interrupt, “It’s not the gift, Bucky. The gift is wonderful. You are wonderful. But... I just don’t think what we have is something that I want anymore.”

You didn’t want him, he thought. Of course who could? The self pity party had started inside him, berating himself on how he was a broken shell of a man. How he had nightmares that could drive a regular man insane. A history one man cannot burden. Now, even a job that no woman could bear to stand in the long run.

You deserved something better. He understood.

You observe his reaction trying to figure out what was going through his head.

Attachments have never brought any good to your life. Everyone you let in, hurt you. Everyone you loved, left.

His expression was empty. Then and there, you discover why Bucky was the one attachment you should never have. You cannot read him and that was a fact you cannot ignore.

“I understand.” He says calmly as he turns around slowly, sitting at the edge of the bed

You see his shoulders slump as his back faces you before he moves to get up. You had a feeling he misunderstood what you meant but you didn’t think there would be a point to rectify it. He was better off away from you anyway.

Bucky deserves someone better. Someone that could love him the way he should be loved. Someone warm, kind and nurturing. He needed someone that can help him heal. He did not need another damaged person like you. He has had a hard life as it is.

You had decided to get dressed as well, the awkwardness starting to perpetuate between you. The silence deafening.

Bucky turns to you after he was fully dressed. He looked so handsome in his grey henley and jeans, you thought.

You proceed to put on a loose shirt that fell high on your thigh, your hair dishevelled and lips plump from your recent lovemaking. His hands itched to drag you back into his arms again, wrap your legs around his waist and just bury himself deep within you once more. Keep you under him all night.

You were so beautiful to him and he felt a sharp pain in his chest knowing he could never bask in your presence again.“I...” he starts

_’I love you’_ his mind screams but the words are stuck in his throat

“...care about you.” He instead says

A lump in your throat is forming. Oh god, why was this suddenly becoming so hard? Your throat feels tight and for a moment, you almost believed you’re breathing would just stop.

“I care about you too.” You admit

You didn’t understand yourself why you said this, but it was too late now. It was a touch move.

This was the only thing Bucky needed to hear before he strides up to you in 3 steps, hands gently grabbing you by the neck as he pressed his forehead against yours.

“Don’t push me away. Please.” he begs

Bucky was not above it. He had begged so many times in his life. FOR his life. As the Winter Soldier. As himself. It had never been effective with Hydra but he would not hesitate to beg your over and over because you were as important as his life.

You bit your lip. Tears were rising up within you, a sob rising from your throat, so you close your eyes as a last defensive measure, “I can’t. You have to go.”

Bucky trembles at your voice. A weak command, but a command all the same.

You push at his chest, shaking yourself away from his hold. He has to leave while you were still holding on by a thread. He had to before the dam within you breaks. No one has seen you weak for years, and this would not be the day.

“Go Bucky. Leave.” You say one more time, a bit firmer

Swallowing hard, you look at him and somehow deep inside you, there is this small part that hopes he’ll continue fighting for you, continue fighting for whatever this was.

When finally he nods at you, it takes all your will to not stop him. To tell him you made a mistake and that you’re only scared. You keep your mouth pressed in a tight line, afraid of the words that might spill, of the sob that might slip.

You watch him take his jacket and head out the bedroom. Unable to control your feet, you find yourself rushing and standing in the living room to see him continue walking away.

_’Don’t look back. Don’t look back’_ you silently beg

He pauses as his hand was at the doorknob and, because he was Bucky, of course he looks back at you one last time.

“You were my safe place. With you, I felt like me again. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you.”

At this, your walls crumble but by the time the tears fall, Bucky had already closed the door behind him.


End file.
